The Office Piece (part 1)

The calendar on my desk glares at me. As it’s the first Monday of the month, I turn over the page to find a new inspirational message that is somehow meant to coerce me into believing that my contribution in this office’s affairs has some sort of cosmic purpose that benefits society. This month I am greeted with the phrase ‘Some people dream of success... while others wake up and work hard at it’. Above this truly sententious line is a picture of a man in profile, walking up a set of stairs. At the foot of the stairs, just a few paces back, is his bed, the sheets pulled back, suggesting that he has only just woken up and is not wasting any time getting on his way to success. This man is suited, carrying a sleek briefcase, a contented smile on his face. This man has a purpose, he is fulfilling his purpose.

Putting aside the fact that this ponce conveniently has the stairs-to-success right next to his bed for a moment, why couldn’t he even be bothered to make his bed before he set off for work? Surely lack of tidiness is detrimental to achieving any level of success. In fact, if I’m not mistaken, I’m sure I remember some line from last year’s calendar stating something along the lines of ‘A tidy desk is a recipe for success’. Of course it’s ok for them to be self-contradictory. See, if I was in the board room with the idiots behind this concoction, I would at least have had the decency to ensure there be some managerial type figure in the picture; an even better suited model standing by the bed, pointing a gun at the twat walking up the stairs. And not some itty bitty hand gun either. A big fuck off shot gun, pointed straight at his head. Oh motivation will be abundant, overflowing perhaps. And above all it will add a touch of honesty to this farce. My eyes shift focus and now it’s the small regimental numbered squares I see. These little numbered boxes believe they can contain the full proceedings of any given day in my life. Well, most days they probably can.

I’ve now been in the office for little over 13 minutes, and I can already feel the little life I woke up with being sucked out of my body. Its as if as soon as I come in, the office stabs a tube into the back of my neck and starts extracting my vitality to power the ever fluorescent angelic white light bulbs above my head. I swear the more drained I feel, the brighter those lights get. Each and every employee who walks through that door, a natural resource to sustain the ravenous beast that is this office. I need my fuel.

The coffee’s hot, but it tastes like shit. This brown, watery, soup. Gets me thinking about the poor fucker who put his heart and soul into producing the sorry batch of beans that are now diluted in my eco-friendly plastic cup. Some third world farmer toiling away in the sweltering heat, the lurid sun beating down on his face while he licks his lips, tasting the salty sweat dripping down his face. Little water, only sun ... no water ... day after bloody day ... unbearable heat ... a lifetime. A lifetime chucked into a piece of shit machine that spits out this ... this steaming misery. Heart and soul indeed.

But I sip this mess, this heart and soul in a cup, while the rest of the office-folk stumble in. We all give each other a smile and nod, the more enthusiastic employee (i.e. not been working in this building as long as the rest of us) will even let out a too-early-for-the-vocal-chords croaky moan, which one can only assume is meant to translate into “Good morning”. I don’t know. He could be saying anything; “Like the tie!”, “Do you need anything from the supply store?”, “I’ve just scratched your car ... the car you’ve spent two whole years of your life moping around this office, saving up for”. The only reaction he is going to get out of me is the nodsmile that fulfils my part in the bullshit production of Mornings at the Office.

One day I think I’ll upset the routine. I’ll put a schism in the mechanism ... so to speak.

“gwrdmrrrng”, he will say.
“Excuse me?”, I shall say, pleasantly I might add.
“ahem ... sorry. Good morning!”, he shall say, more assertively.
“Oh, I see”, I will respond, without reciprocating the greeting.

Slightly confused he will start to shuffle towards his desk. One ... two ...

“Excuse me?”, I’ll call after him.
“Yes?”, he will answer.
“Why is it you presume I would be at all receptive to your poor attempt of unnecessary early morning communication ... you corporate buffoon.”

Alas today, like most days, I can’t be bothered to exert the energy such a scenario would require. I continue to stare at my calendar, counting down the months, the weeks, the days, hours, minutes, seconds ... My coffee is cold now. It still tastes like shit.

Forbidden Planet: Colonising the ‘Other’ in Deep Space

For better or worse colonisation has formed a large part of the Western World’s historical narrative. We seem to be constantly fascinated by voyage and discovery of new worlds and peoples. And these themes are very much present within the science-fiction/fantasy genre even today; the latest example of this being the current highest grossing movie of all time, Avatar. With its “tendency to (dis)place otherness to a (de)familiarized universe out there”, the sci-fi/fantasy industry “continues to promulgate through its use of the all-too-familiar colonial narrative, a narrative that both sanctions and justifies violence against ‘others’, regardless of their planet of origin”(Gerwell, 2001).

It is evident from the opening lines of 1956 sci-fi masterpiece Forbidden Planet, that colonisation is a major theme within the film.

“In the final decade of the 21st century, men and women in rocket ships landed on the moon. By 2200 A.D., they had reached the other planets of our solar system ... And so at last, mankind began the conquest and colonisation of deep space.”

Forbidden Planet is very much fabricated on the explorative and domesticative colonial narratives; the explorative narrative being simply about discovery and exploration, and the domesticative about making a new world one’s home. Bellerophon, the original starship that Morbius was on, travelled to Planet Altair IV to both discover and domesticate this new planet.

The character of Morbius, who is a philologist - dealing with the study of literary texts and written records in order to determine their meaning - claims that he wishes to remain on Planet Altair IV because he has the opportunity to learn so much from the remains of the ancient native alien race called the Krell. He also has no desire to return to Earth, explaining how he and his wife were “heartbroken” when the original crew wished to return. Yet what he has effectively done is domesticate the foreign terrain to replicate “a Southern California-style high modernist household”(Lerer, 2001), complete with swimming pool. Instead of adapting his lifestyle to respectfully occupy the planet he travelled to, he has adapted the planet to better suit him. This exemplifies the very essence of colonisation; where the colonial leaves their native land to form a new one that is connected to their parent nation.

When the crew of the United Planets Cruiser C-57D lands on planet Altair IV, the first physical contact they have is with Robby the Robot. In many ways Robby is different from his human counterpart, but there is also a lot that is very familiar about him. Robby is a humanoid robot; he has a pair of arms, a pair of legs, a head, a mouth. Furthermore he has human features such as language and humour. All this allows Robby to appear less threatening despite his ‘otherness’. If the C-57D crew were greeted by robots more akin to the Sentinels from The Matrix series, their initial reaction would have probably differed greatly.

On the one hand, Robby is meant to represent a positive side to colonialism, where through voyage and discovery of new worlds and peoples, man is able to learn new information which enables him to create better tools for a better life. But as the film goes on it becomes more and more apparent that all that Robby really is, is a legitimate form of slavery. This is colonial regime in a different reality. Of course there are no moral or ethical issues now because Robby is a robot, mere metal and wire. Morbius is quick to point this out, stating;

“Don’t attribute feeling to him gentlemen. Robby is simply a tool.”

Morbius may describe Robby as a “tool” , but Robby functions just as if he were a slave; he cooks, cleans, tailors Alta’s dresses, and has to do anything else he is told to do. In actual fact he is much better than a human slave because he is more efficient and performs his duties with “absolute selfless obedience”. Robby is even configured in such a way that makes it impossible for him to be harmful to humans. Here a parallel can be drawn to William Shakespeare’s The Tempest, which forms Forbidden Planet’s skeleton narrative: “Where Shakespeare's Caliban verbally and violently counters Prospero's treatment of him, Forbidden Planet ... waters down the enslavement theme, adopts the plot but removes the subjugation of one human by another”(Gerwell, 2001).

Obviously these are not bad things in themselves. Who wouldn’t want a robot to deal with all the mundane chores in such an efficient manner? It is the history of past colonies that reveals darker undertones to an otherwise amusing and very useful machine. Human nature hasn’t changed, man still feels an inclination to govern another being, in this case it is a robot. The fact that this robot is a humanoid one demonstrates how eerily similar this future reality is to its past. The colonised entity is still present here.

Robby the Robot raises another important issue regarding human nature. Robby has the ability to “reproduce identical molecules in any shape or quantity”. Therefore he becomes the ultimate get-out-of-jail-free card. If we are running out of natural resources, this no longer remains a problem. We now have Robby the Robot who can synthesize any material, and reproduce it in infinite quantities. Again this shows mankind's inability to adapt themselves to live in a more resourceful way. Instead we have to find ways to alter the world for us.

Considering Forbidden Planet is a science-fiction movie that foretold the Americans moon landing, and introduces a robot with infinite powers, it seems strange that the whole crew of the C-57D starship is made up of only men, as if a future where women hold equal roles in the work force is just inconceivable.

Being the only female character in the film, Morbius’ daughter Altaira is immediately perceived as an ‘other’. But she is also an ‘other’ because she was born on Planet Altair IV, and can therefore be considered as a naturalised Altarian. Hence she has had a very different upbringing than if she were to have been brought up on earth. Her reality and values are different; she dresses in a way that is deemed provocative by the Earth men, she has no inhibitions about her body feeling perfectly comfortable being naked in front of Commander Adams, and she has a quasi-magical affinity with wild animals. And despite Planet Altair being her world, she is the one who is forced to change now that Earth’s visitors have arrived. After catching Lieutenant Farman and Altaira kissing, Commander Adams’ confronts her;

“Don't you understand, Alta? No? Well, look at yourself. You can't dress like that around men, especially not a space wolf like Farman. So for Pete's sake, go home and put on something that'll ... anything.”

This statement makes it clear that in Adams’ eyes, Farman not being able to control his sexual urges is Altaira’s fault. The fact that Adams takes a moral high ground with Altaira indicates that he feels superior to her. Indeed it becomes evident that Adams hardly sees Altaira as human;

“There’s no feelings, no emotions ... Nothing human would ever enter your mind.”

Placing all the blame on Altaira, and making her feel as if she is inferior to him seems to intimidate her. She decides to conform to his ways, asking Robby to make her an “eye-proof” dress that will not excite Adams and his “super-perfect physical specimens” . But in doing this she automatically gives up her ‘otherness’. This is symbolically demonstrated through the incident where a tiger that was previously affectionate towards Altaira, attempts to attack her. Altaira does not understand, exclaiming; “He didn’t recognise me. He would’ve killed me. Why?” Because of these events Altaira becomes a homogenised 1950’s American housewife calling “darling, darling” after her man. She is the one who has to change to suit the colonials. Her ‘otherness’ is completely colonised.



The ancient race of the Krell could possibly offer two slightly differing critiques on colonisation. The first critique would be to look upon the Krell as a symbolic warning for the human race. Throughout the film Morbius speaks and describes the Krell and their culture as being very similar to ours, i.e. human; the Krell were the governing race of their planet, they had literary texts, music, and technology. Morbius even describes the Krell as being an “all but divine race”. Again there is an evident parallel to man’s status on Earth, being the children of God. Morbius' study explains that by taking their science too far, the Krell ended up destroying themselves by unleashing the “monsters from the id”. Their greatest achievement was what finally ended them. Morbius’ decision to blow up the planet in the film's climax could therefore be seen as an act of saving the human race. A warning that we should stop taking science and progress too far because it will be the end of us, just as it was for the Krell.

The second interpretaion would be to see the Krell and their planet as the ‘other’ that could not be colonised by humans. In this light the Krell are far from being symbolical of man, in fact they become complete seperate entities. Morbius calling them a “race” would emphasise this ‘otherness’. Consequntly, Morbius’ decision to blow up all that remains of the Krell (all their great scientific achievements, their unique history and culture) becomes a very disquieting decision. Again the human race becomes the centre of the universe. Because we are unable to keep away from the powerful discoveries of the Krell (which are destructive to us), the only alternative we can conceive is to destroy them. Therefore a repeated pattern once again emerges. Man refuses to adapt himself to a situation, instead the situation must be adapted for man.

However the implications of this scenario, are extremely concerning as Forbidden Planet gives evidence of other intelligent species within its fantastic narrative. Planet Altair IV being destroyed by a human being insinuates a conceited belief that because humans were unsuccesful in colonising the ‘other’, no other species in the universe can have their chance. As Greg Gerwell excellently puts it in his article Colonising the Universe; “If earthlings cannot colonize the planet, the film's message seems to be, then call it sour grapes - no one will”(Gerwell, 2001).

Bibliography

Sterile Civilisation: a reading of T.S. Eliot's 'The Waste Land'

World War I is infamous for eradicating an entire generation of men, men who gave up their lives to fight for their countries. Many had believed the war would be over within the year but instead it went on for four gruesome years. The reasons for so much incessant death became nonsensical. While the world had definitely progressed in terms of science and technology, for many, civilisation seemed to be in a state of regression. Modernist poet T.S. Eliot’s poem The Waste Land is one of the greatest artistic reflections on civilisation post-WW1. It can be seen as a genealogical challenge; a “transvaluation of all values”(Nietzsche). In The Waste Land Eliot draws upon, and alludes to various myths and literature that have shaped humanity, perhaps in an attempt to reassess humanity; humanity that he has lost all faith in.

The Fisher King is perhaps the most central character in The Waste Land. The Fisher King is traditionally wounded in such a way that makes him impotent. His impotence is reflected in his kingdom, which is reduced to a barren wasteland. Eliot links the myth of the Fisher King to the legend of the Holy Grail, which also involves a quest for healing a barren kingdom. This myth is fundamentally a story about regeneration; once the king is healed so is the barren land. The Fisher King, who is first introduced during the tarot card reading epidsode in Part II A Game of Chess, “becomes the unifying device by which [Eliot] tells the fortune of the modern world”. The ancient myths help Eliot demonstrate how modern civilisation has become sterile and impotent, the barreness of mankind is reflected in his surroundings. The physical surroundings reflecting the inner core of humanity is an explicit theme throughout The Waste Land.

One of the main symbols of sterility in many of Eliot’s poems is the urban city. The city, which usually represents the pinnacle of human achievement (architecture, culture, and industry) becomes something which is decaying and is ultimately meaningless. In The Waste Land the city is described as being an “unreal city” , a phrase which is repeated in the poem. The “unreal city” symbolises a sense of it being neither completely dead, but not really alive either. The “brown fog”, a reference to Dickens’ London, that lingers over the city feels just as if it is its very breath. The colour brown insinuates pollution and decay. A parallel can be drawn between The Waste Land’s “brown fog" and the “yellow fog” of Eliot’s earlier poem The Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrock. But whereas Prufrock’s “yellow smoke” seems to actively move about the city and quietly suffocate any life there, the “brown fog” feels much more encompassing, as if it has completely taken over the city and remains there in order to not let any life get through its impenetrable gloom.

It becomes evident that the city in The Waste Land is much more than just the physical urban landscape. The city is also its inhabitants and their way of life. Just like the city, the people seem to be in a state of in-betweenness. The voice in the 4th stanza of Part I The Burial of the Dead, remarks that he “had not thought death had undone so many”. These inhabitants are the undead roaming about meaninglessly. Their sterile way of life reflected in their kingdom, just like the Fisher King myth. But unlike the narrating voice, the crowd “do not share his misgivings about the Waste Land; they are not conscious”.

“And each man fixed his eyes before his feet/Flowed up the hill and down King William Street,”

These undead inhabitants of the city appear to be stuck in a perpetual state of empty ritual. The repeated use of the verb ‘flow’ indicates that they have no choice but to move about the city in a crowd which they are unable to break away from. Empty ritual is one of The Waste Land’s recurring themes. The first half of Part II A Game of Chess, depicts a wealthy lady in her house. Through her neurotic speech, which often becomes meaningless, she asks the question; “What shall we ever do?" Her answer to this resumes a sense of inevitability, a list of more empty ritual;

“The hot water at ten./And if it rains, a closed car at four./And we shall play a game of chess,”

Life is now defined by meaningless tasks, and there is no progression from day to day. A resounding lack of purpose emanates in the Lady’s talk, her relationship to her lover, and her very surroundings. The whole house becomes a microcosm of the city. Even the wealthy and cultured cannot escape the doom of modern life; “Are you alive, or not?” All the literary allusions in this scene to Shakespeare and to classical Greek myth, which usually represent such greatness of human achievement, now feel sterile and meaningless. Against the backdrop of World War 1, what difference does any artistic accomplishment or knowledge make towards humanity?

Eliot’s disdain for this empty modern life is perhaps culminated in the line “when the human engine waits”, in Part III The Fire Sermon. Humans here have literally become machines, they have lost their humanity. Finally Eliot destroys the city which seems to encapsulate the reason why modern life has lost all sense of meaning;

“Cracks and reforms and bursts in the violet air/Falling tower/Jerusalem Athens Alexandria/ Vienna London/Unreal”

London becomes another city in a list. A city that has reached its peak, and is therefore destined to collapse. In this light it might appear that the modern city is Eliot’s real wasteland. Its destruction could be an indication that Eliot believes we must return to a more natural way of life. The theme was further explored in Eliot's later poem The Four Quartets.

Another theme Eliot uses to demonstrate sterility in modern civilisation is through his depiction of love and relationships, or more correctly, lack of. Love is completely absent in The Waste Land. Once again the Fisher King’s impotence seems to be reflected in modern man’s inability to be in a relationship that creates life. One of the first clear indicators of this is shown in the second half of Part II. There is a clear juxtaposition between Albert who is fighting the war, witnessing the death of hundreds of soldiers everyday, and his wife Lil’s deliberate use of pills to abort one of her pregnancies. The speaking voice asks the question;

“What you get married for if you don’t want children?”

While this seems to be quite a derogatory approach to marriage, in the light of a war that is wiping out an entire generation of people, marriage and childbirth become fundamental in regenerating humanity. Yet Eliot chooses to include a preganancy that Lil “nearly died of”, an abortion, and a husband who only wants “a good time” from his wife. This demonstrates a complete breakdown in marriage, it has become meaningless, devoid of the very thing it is built on in the traditional sense; love and family.

This theme is not exclusive to this scene either. There is the episode of the merchant Mr. Euginides, who offers the narrating voice “a weekend at the Metropole”. The manner of his approach is crass. The homosexual relationship immediately sterile since preganancy is impossible. Also the episode of the secretary and her lover. The sexual intimacy becomes an assault, and she accepts the situation with “indifference”. Both of these depictions are based solely on meaningless carnal lust, in both cases the lust is only one sided. Lovemaking has become completely sterile.

Water is usually used to symobolise ideas of revival and rebirth within various cultures and societies. In Christianity for example, water is used in baptism to indicate cleansing of sin and new life, by which a person is admitted into the Catholic Church. However water has a much more ambiguous meaning within The Waste Land. On the one hand there is a definite desire for water throughout the poem. This is perhaps most explicit in the second stanza of Part V What The Thunder Said, where the whole stanza becomes a desperate monologue about the need for water;

“If there were only water amongst the rock”

Water here becomes the solution. The narrating voice is dying of thirst and needs water to survive. He is completely consumed with the need for water to quench his thirst. Given that water symbolises revival, this monologue takes on another stance. The voice could therefore be symbolically desperate for purpose that can only be found through spiritual enlightenment. With each “drip drop” the narrating voice seems to be losing his sanity more and more. And yet water still does not come. Just as the “brown fog” seems to reflect the people of modernity, so does the thunder in this scene;

“But dry sterile thunder without rain”

This line makes the situation even more desperate, for this is not a clear sky, but one that hints at a storm. Through this Eliot may be attempting to show how sterility has premeated the spiritual realm. Because man is so caught up in modern civilisation that is so far removed from a sense of spirituality, when he does eventually turn to spirituality, no solace can be given. Hence while water is still felt to be something positive in this scene, it now also signifies a more negative aspect ... sterility. In The Waste Land “[w]hen the lack of water is felt, it assumes a positive character; but for the most part it is negative or something to be feared”. This can be perceived as Eliot intentionally inverting the vegetation myth, which consequently sets a tone of fear for the regeneration of life.

Indeed one of Madame Sosostris’ most prominent prophecies is; “Fear death by water”, and many an instance can be found where death is induced by water. The direct referencee taken from Shakespeare’s The Tempest is quoted twice throughout the poem; “Those are pearls that were his eyes”. This is an obvious reference to a watery grave. The closing line of Part II alludes to Ophelia’s farewell, Ophelia who drowns in a brook. Part IV, Death By Water, seems to fulfil Madame Sosostris’ prophecy, depicting Phlebas the Phoenician who has drowned. All these instances emphasise a sense that the very water which is associated with regeneration, has now become the predominant destructive force throughout. Knowing that Eliot makes various references to Biblical episodes, it is possible to read The Waste Land as a modern version of the story of Noah’s Ark. But whereas before, God consumed humanity in a worldwide deluge, now He is seeking out everyone individually in order that modern civilisation may realise how far south we have moved from any sense of spirituality and meaning. Therefore the very entity that can renew and give life becomes that which ends life, and is therefore sterile.

Ultimately when the rain does come there is a slight sense of relief; “Then a damp gust/Bringing rain”. But rain only comes when the protagonist enters the chapel in the mountains. This location seems to be as far removed from modern civilisation as possible. It is also noteworthy that just before this scene there is the depiction of the cities being destroyed. Keeping with the Noah’s Ark allusion, it feels as if God, or a god-like figure, is reaching the end of cleansing the world from modernity. The ultimate testament to this being in the line;

“London Bridge is falling down falling down falling down”

It is not hard to imagine the bridge, which is such a characteristic feature of London, crumbling and being swept away by the river. Perhaps revival and regeneration can finally take place now.

Although Eliot reflects upon the sterility of modern civilisation, he doesn’t really offer a sense of hope until the very end of The Waste Land. Once again we see the Fisher King, fishing with the “arid plain behind” him, perhaps a symbol, sterility is now a thing of the past. He then asks the question;“Shall I at least set my lands in order?" Following this is a series of fragmented multi-lingual lines, their significance almost impossible to comprehend. They seem to have a mystical effect, as if they are part of an incantation. This would correlate well with the Grail myth, since here the Fisher King, “the protagonist in The Waste Land, as both hero and king, utters an incantation designed to bring about the restoration of life in himself and his environment”. This interpretation does take a more optimistic stance. Indeed it is difficult for many a reader to simply accept that it is impossible for civilisation to recover from choices made in the past. And yet it may just be us, the reader, crying desperately for some relief, clutching on to any fragment of hope that is possible to interpret, like the voice in the mountains crying for water. And maybe for Eliot there is no resolve, maybe all we have left “[h]ere is no water but only rock”.

Bibliography

• Asher, Kenneth. T.S. Eliot and Ideology. Cambridge University Press. 1998.
• Castle, Gregory. The Blackwell Guide to Literary Theory. Oxford; Blackwell, 2007.
• Eliot¸ T.S. “The Waste Land” & “The Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrock”, in Collected Poems 1909 – 1962. London; Faber and Faber, 1963.
• Veeser, H. (ed.). The New Historicism. New York; Routeledge, 1989.


Online

• Creekmore, Betsy B. “The Tarot Fortune in The Waste Land”, ELH, Vol. 49, No. 4 (1982): 908-928. In JSTOR [database online]. 12 March 2010.
• Fowler, D.C. “The Waste Land: Mr. Eliot’s Fragments”, College English, Vol. 14, No. 4 (Jan, 1953): 234-5 pp. 234-5. In JSTOR [database online]. 12 March 2010.
• Williamson, George. “The Structure of The Waste Land”, Modern Philology, Vol. 47, No. 3 (Feb, 1950): 191-206. In JSTOR [database online]. 12 March 2010.

Slash

The year is 2010, and I shall put forward one question; where the hell have all the rock'n'roll bands gone? Rock bands are ten a penny (argue amongst yourselves about who the better of those are) but true rock'n'roll bands, bands that ooze sleaze and swagger, have not been so frequent as of late. Arguably the last great rock'n'roll band is still Guns N' Roses. The ultimate train wreck of drugs, booze, sex and egos, Guns lived it like they played it. But frontman Axl Rose's volatile behaviour would eventually become too much for lead guitarist Slash, who quit the band in 1996. For the majority of fans, Slash's departure meant the end of Guns N' Roses and an end of an era.

Fast forward to 2004 and the rock world is buzzing. Ex-Guns N' Roses members Slash, Duff McKagan and Matt Sorum, form new band Velvet Revolver with guitarist Dave Kushner and ex-Stone Temple Pilots frontman Scott Weiland. Their debut album Contraband certainly showed the young'uns how it's done. The fusion of the classic GN'R sound with a 21st century snarl proved to be a winning formula, and Contraband eventually went on to sell an impressive 4 million copies worldwide. VR's voltaic performances definitely did not do sales any harm either. Fans were treated to an onslaught of seismic riffs and blistering solos that only Slash can deliver. Unfortunately VR lead guitarist/frontman relations became all too similar to previous events within GN'R. During the 2008 tour for second album Libertad, Weiland announced he would be leaving Velvet Revolver and the band has been on hiatus since.

During these Velvet Revolver years Slash in particular enjoyed a resurgence in popularity; he became something of an icon. Allegedly during concert performances when Slash's famous top hat would be carried out on stage by a roadie, it would get just as much applause and cheers as the guitarist himself. In 2007 Slash became the face of music video game Guitar Hero III: Legends of Rock, and an unlockable character within the game. But any artist who becomes just as famous for his persona as for his talents, starts to tread the murky waters that are self-parody and nostalgia act. What has saved Slash from falling into idiocy is his genuine passion for rock music, and the fact that he doesn't take the industry too seriously. Whereas albums with multiple collaborations, such as Santana's 9 time Grammy award winner Supernatural, can often feel like who-is-hot-in-the-biz-at-the-moment affairs, Slash's self-titled debut album intentionally steers clear of this. Slash explains, "This is like a backyard barbecue record, where you call up people and it's like, 'Come on down and have a beer' kind of thing". And it certainly feels like that.

Slash is unashamedly the equivalent to porn for the average rock fan. Starring a barrage of rock royalty, it will be hard for most fans to resist, even though some rock purists may be bewildered as to why their guitar hero has decided to include teeny pop artists such as Fergie and Adam Levine. Starting off with a riff that cheekily echoes GN'R stadium staple Welcome To The Jungle , stunning opener Ghost featuring Ian Astbury sets the pace on this no nonsense guitar driven album. Alter Bridge frontman Myles Kennedy gives a rock vocal master class on the infectious blues-rock infused Back To Cali, and leaves no doubts as to why Slash asked him to be his main vocalist when he takes the album out on tour. Elsewhere Chris Cornell is on fine form on Promise, which should redeem him in the rock community after the fiasco of his recent Timbaland produced album Scream. And Lemmy delivers a relentless performance on the hilarious Doctor Alibi. Perhaps the biggest surprises are in fact the tracks featuring the unlikely candidates. Adam Levine collaboration Gotten in particular is a true beauty.

Unfortunately there are a few duds. Nothing To Say is an undeniably boring and self-indulgent metal inspired number. Saint Is A Sinner is completely pointless as it gives no real indication that Slash is even on the track in any distinguishable way. And while I Hold On may be an OK song, it features Kid Rock, and that makes it rather worthy of ridicule. But make no mistake, there is more than half a great album here. Slash can still deliver enough raunchy riffs and heartfelt solos to get even the most rock-phobic individual rocking along.

Coming back to my initial point, in these monotonous years of mundane indie bands and EMO nonsense we are in desperate need for some good old fashioned rock'n'roll. So don't be a misery guts, go get your copy, turn up the volume and rock out.

Standout tracks: Ghost//Back From Cali//Promise//Gotten//Doctor Alibi//Baby Can't Drive

All Days Are Nights: Songs For Lulu

Rufus Wainwright’s latest offering All Days Are Nights: Songs For Lulu has been a long time coming. After a string of magnificently grandiose albums full of lush orchestral arrangements, complex harmonies, and flamboyant pop sensibility, it feels right that this quintessential singer-songwriter should strip things down to the bone. Each of the 12 new songs consists of nothing more than brooding vocals and piano. Extremely intense and intricate, All Days Are Nights is far from an easy listen, and fans who are accustomed to hearing Wainwright’s lighter and more playful side might at first be put off. But this is an album that demands repeated hearings before it reveals its complete beauty.

Opening track Who Are You New York? sweeps the listener all over the mentioned city in restless pursuit. Wainwrights' vocals soar and spiral, with hardly a breath between phrases they become overwhelming. In Martha we hear Rufus leaving a series of phone messages to his sister, their mother’s illness being of particular concern. Rufus and Martha’s mother, acclaimed folk singer-songwriter Kate McGarrigle passed away earlier this year after a 3 year battle with cancer. The sense of mourning is evident throughout the album, despite it having been completed some time before Kate’s death. However this album also finds Rufus mourning Lulu, a dark lady figure who represents his decadent yearnings and more destructive vices. It is to her that this album was written, and she makes her presence felt.

Three of Shakespeare’s sonnets are interpreted to music, and provide the classical air that Rufus so effortlessly exudes. They are equally delicate and menacing. But perhaps the highlight of the album is the dramatic What Would I Ever Do With A Rose? A piano motif that alludes to Tchaikovsky’s Swan Lake gives way to an achingly honest performance. When Rufus sings the final “Never does the dream come true/Without the nightmare”, you can sense the dark lady figure lurking behind him; she refusing to leave him be, him refusing to let her go.

Standout tracks: Martha//Sonnet 43//What Would I Ever Do With A Rose?

Morning Rain (part 1)

She woke up to the sound of raindrops pitter-pattering on her bedroom window above her pillow. Opening her eyes she wrapped her quilt tight around her shoulders and knelt on the bed. Her elbows felt the cold dew on the window sill, and drawing the curtains slightly apart she peered outside. The window pane was sprinkled with glass-like beads, each one descending sluggishly, offering a unique glimpse of the world outside before being hastily replaced by a freshly splattered droplet. Unlike most children her age, Phoebe loved rain.

The gray sky glowed almost fluorescently, and looking downwards Phoebe took in Vallance Street with an expression of awe. The usually dull looking houses had been washed, and their red brick glistened afresh; the green of the front gardens had now darkened; the soil could finally breathe again and fill the street with its earthy fragrance. Phoebe noticed Ms. Lavinia of number 7 across the road. She was standing behind her front door which was slightly ajar, trying to work out which was the safest route to her car in order to not get terribly soaked. Old Mr. and Mrs. Spencer of number 3 walked slowly down their porch to their car shielded by a big black umbrella. Mr. Spencer waited patiently until his wife got safely into the passenger seat. Closing the door shut he hopped rather wistfully to the other side, waited for the car to warm up, and off they went. Phoebe’s eyes followed them until they turned round the bend at the end of the street.

She suddenly heard the front door unlock downstairs and looking down into her front garden she saw her father making his way to the car. Pulling the curtains slightly more together so as not to be seen, Phoebe watched curiously. Father walked out to the middle of the garden and stood still in the rain for a few minutes, only moving to turn up the collar of his long black coat. He didn’t seem to mind getting wet much. Turning to the car, Father looked straight up at his daughter’s window, smiled knowingly and winked. Then off he went to work.

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The rain had quietened down and Phoebe felt that this would be a good excuse to get outside the house and go for a walk. She put on her mack and wellies, and headed to the door. Should I let Mother know? Looking up the staircase she considered this for a moment, but decided on the contrary. Best leave Mother rest.

The air outside felt fresh and cool, and everything was so still and silent. Closing the gate behind her she made her way to the park, jumping from puddle to puddle as if they were the only platforms that could save her from falling down into an imaginary abyss. She reached the maple tree rooted in no. 24’s front garden. It stretched out over the pavement providing a momentary shelter. Phoebe looked up into its twisted branches and felt the lingering morning raindrops drip on her face. She looked over the gate to make sure Mr. Grog wasn’t anywhere to be seen, then jumped gingerly up onto his front wall and pulled one of the branches close to her to cut off a few of its blazing amber leaves. The rain had made the leaves sparkle just as though they were precious jewels, and Phoebe felt a sudden flash of guilt. Was she taking more from Mr. Grog than just a bunch of leaves?

She heard a raspy “Miaooowww!” in the branches above her, and then saw a set of dark blue accusatory eyes. A black cat appeard from the thickness of the branches and jumped down nearer to her. “Miaaooww!” it repeated, as if to clarify that it was indeed addressing Phoebe. “What?” she retorted. The black cat continued to stare at her and at the glistening leaves in her hand. “Well even if you wanted to, there’s nothing you can do about it”, said Phoebe matter-of-factly. However despite her apparent self-assurance Phoebe had to admit that the cat had the upper hand in this scenario. After all this seemed to be the cat’s tree, and for all Phoebe knew the black cat could well infact do something about it. Feeling slightly uncomfortable Phoebe jumped down off the wall and continued her walk. She turned to utter a meek “Sorry ...”, but the black cat had already climbed back up to its higher position in the tree, and all Phoebe could see of it was its skinny black tail disappearing into the dense branches.

Marshmallow Girl

Marshmallow Girl don't say goodbye

Just take me away in the strawberry sky

We'll swim all day in rainbow seas

And float away on the autumn breeze

When the night falls down

With the light of your heart we'll find a way out

And if the night persists

I'll fight it off with the love that you give

Marshmallow Girl don't be afraid

I'll take care of you so stay

Just wear your crown, make the rain fall down

Our Garden of Eden we'll find somehow